Thursday, January 6, 2011

I'm Not Ready

He's 2 months from 2 years and I'm 4 months into this, the 5th time I've carried a small person inside me.  And its getting uncomfortable, truth be told, to nurse this big, big boy.  I know I won't win an award for nursing if I make it to his second birthday, but that is alright, its not why I'm doing it.

Its hard to explain, this desire to want to keep him right here, just as he is.  He pats my cheek and burrows in, still my baby and I'm just not ready to let him be big - leaving me here with memories like dust, blowing away, impossible to catch and hold onto.

Almost 2 years ago we met for the first time in our small upstairs bedroom, and he looked at me and I him, and we fell in love.  Mama-baby love.

Its different than Mama - big kid love, which is no less potent but just different.  I'm not ready.  I want to keep the baby love.

So, for now, we cut back on nursing sessions, but still have a few a day.  It is going to break my heart to wake up to a day where I say "no more."  I'm not ready.

For the next two months, I'll savor each moment with him in this unique and precious relationship.  And when the time comes, I'll cheer him on into big boy-hood and keep my tears to myself, when he can't see how hard it is on Mama, too.

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  1. ooooo I feel ya on that...Micah slowly weaned between 12 to 15 months (and I had always wanted to go 'til 2ish). It got really uncomfortable to nurse and be pregnant, but he's my BABY! Savor the moments and just think about how you'll have a new little one to nurse soon-makes it a little less sad :) It's been a little over a month and it's still a little sad to think first baby...sniffle

  2. I understand very well. The comfort for you is there will soon be another babe to nurse and another wonderful bond to be made and this is not the end totally. You are such a good momma. Hugs.

  3. Oh, Lydia! It is funny how often you post something on just the day I need it! I have been going back and forth about weaning Naomi. Patially because I am tired but also because we want another baby. But, to use your words, "i'm not ready". Thanks for showing me it is okay to say it!

  4. How have you weaned your kids and when? (I'm just curious and won't judge you -- I know it's a touchy issue with some people!!) Bert's only nursing 2-3 times a day. I'm not too fussy about when he weans, although he won't get as much boob-time if he's still nursing when I have #3 (no, I'm not pregnant).

  5. I'm not ready either, Lydia! Abby has barely been nursing at night and it has been hard for me knowing that she is our last child. Thankfully she has still been decently nursing in the morning. I'm really trying to hold onto this special time with my babe...I can't believe this time for me is almost over.

    Hang onto that sweet boy of yours!


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