Wednesday, December 19, 2012


O Root of Jesse, standing as a sign among the peoples; 
before you kings will shut their mouths, to you the nations 
will make their prayer: Come and deliver us, and delay no 

O Radix Jesse

I feel like I'm slipping this week.  Night after night, I've sent my little ones to bed and thought back on a day that flew by - and, worse, a day that I was not proud of.  This week has been a tough one.

I'm not sure the disconnect, but it all seemed to come to a head last night.  My husband and I went out to finish up some shopping, and standing in a brightly lit store with people all around grabbing boxes off shelves, my head started to spin.  Then, pound.  I told my husband I needed some air, and stepped out into the dark, crisp night.

Sometimes the chill of a dark night is what is needed to snap me back to reality.

Christmas this year seems to ring false, and no matter how hard I try to fight the feeling down with more peppermint flavored Christmas spirit, my own heart stings with hypocrisy.  I wish I could say the cause was something noble, but in truth, I've just been feeling selfish.  Selfish in every possible way.  And when I feel so much ugliness inside, it is hard to see the beauty on the outside.

A friend posted the O Antiphons, and I've never seen them before - these ancient prayers for this time of year.  They seem to fit just right, and I spend my day clinging to them.

In the middle of this dark night, this dark world, these words spark like flint.  And like a certain little match girl, I hold my frozen hands up to the blaze.

O Come, Be Born in Us.  In Me.

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  1. Yes, yes, yes. Now the tears that spring to my eyes this morning are grateful ones, grateful to know I am not the only one sinking into darkness right when the world is ramping up for Christmas cheer. Too much darkness within and without, especially this year. But ancient prayers and kindred spirits carry me along, too. I try to remember that Christ came in exactly this kind of darkness, with evil all around. Maybe this year we understand Advent and Christmas in a darker light, and that's ok too. Thank you for this.

  2. Dude, I felt like I was reading a journal entry of yours. =) But I have to say, I'm so glad you post so... so genuinely. It helps me and probably many others put into words what we feel. Do not gloss over life mamas. Do not be afraid to feel. Be honest and yet do it with humbleness and love. Be comforted that as we slip God NEVER loses his grip.

  3. Lydia, this is my favorite post that you have ever written. It is beautiful, and rings true, and gives me solace and hope. Thank you for writing it. -kate

    1. Wow Kate, that means a lot to me. Thank you so much.


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