We're a week into the New Year and beyond finding a word for it, nothing much else has changed. First was the remainder of break. Then two days, now three, of traditional school delay as our neck of the woods ices right over and the air burns to breathe. Neighbor kids come trudging up the driveway red-cheeked and puffing uncomfortably, coaxing my kids out to play in the snow for small 10 minute intervals with lots of warming up in between.
With all the distractions and this slow start to the year, it can feel like I've failed already, this courage thing. What is so courageous about staying up too late, sleeping in and baking cookies several days in a row for a crowd of kids? Wasn't this year supposed to be different somehow?
Last weekend, I slipped through the back yard and skirted the fence Dad draped with Christmas lights, glancing at the smoke curling gently out of the chimney from the woodstove in my parents' house. I flopped down in the old leather chair right there by the fire and we talked about Courage. I voiced doubts, my go-to fears of inadequacy, impossibility, ineffectiveness. I shake my head that these dreams, they are never going to happen. My Mom stopped me and reminded me of some of the impossible things that have happened in the past year. She showed me in my own life - miracles.
It's like a revelation to me, who knows all of this. Me, who has been hearing it, repeating it her whole life. If God is the same yesterday, today and forever, then anything is possible. The same God who can give old barren women babies, who multiplies loaves and fishes and who inhabits burning bushes and still small voices - He can do anything. Nothing is beneath His notice, no task too small or too great. Not even the hopes and dreams and prayers of me.
In my modern day life, I can get to thinking I've got a modern-day God. Somehow less effective. Somehow less able. That I can believe on His greatness for others, but not for myself.
The second week of January, I realize how small and conditional my faith has become. This journey has just begun, and already I'm digging out from under a lifetime of fears. Taking a long hard look at what it's all become and trying to make sense of it. I'm not sure that I expected to be slaying dragons quite so quickly. This second week of January, it's already happening.
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How about sharing those miracles from the past year? (or resharing) Way to go! I can't wait to see what you do next.
ReplyDeleteLydia, here's some food for thought. Take it or leave it as you wish. Sometimes I used to get too wrapped up in the goal-oriented society we live in. One thing I have learned from being disabled is the importance of living in the now. This is so ieasy with children around because it seems like they do this all of the time (sometimes that's the most frustrating part of being a Mom, huh?). But I think in these days, being tuned to "God's time" for your family might help. Perhaps He wants you to live in the moment, just for a few more days (without feeling guilty :-) ). Perhaps this time of living from moment to moment, responding to your children's needs, making cookies, sipping hot chocolate and talking with your children, is just what you all need to prepare for the next phase to come.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your wisdom on this so much, Kathlene! I know that, for me, these days at home with little people can stretch out before me like a never ending tide. It's always good to be reminded to be present in these moments. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so excited we have the same word! Can't wait to see what awesome things are in our future for this year!
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