Wednesday, May 7, 2014

When You Wonder When It's Your Turn

"We need another bench," he said, jotting it down on that little notebook he keeps in his pocket, a running record of things to do, to buy, to work on. Yes...another bench for our little dining room table, the one we keep cramming children around year after year. The room has shrunk some, with the piano in the corner by the window, the closet housing my sewing/crafting stuff right next to it and the makeshift pantry/filing system I have going on the other wall. Our dining room is where we eat, make music, write, learn, fold laundry, play games,'s packed with chairs, benches, In a 1200 square foot, 100 year old house with 6 children, every inch is claimed. Entirely lived in.

So, another bench. Because on benches you can scoot closer, make room for the cousins or neighbor kids who crop up. There's always more room on a bench, although your brother may kick up a fuss if you elbow him squarely in the jaw when he's trying to sip his soup. These are the tricks large families in small spaces preach and practice. These are the tricks I've learned, the way to keep some semblance of order in a home half the size of families half our size.

Another Spring comes and I say it again, that this is the last year. This past winter the last I'll spend with more laundry than I have space to put it away, a baby in a pack n' play in the spacious closet of her sisters' room. I don't really know that for sure, of course. I say it in a plaintive way. Come on, God. Please? Just a little more space. I won't be greedy, I promise. The kids can still share rooms and I don't even care if I have a master suite. Just a little more space? Please?

I smile when I remember a friend telling me three children ago that it was time for a little more room. "Y'all are pretty crowded," she had said, sitting on my one couch with my three toddlers crawling all over her. "Yeah, I know." I had responded, not knowing then that we'd welcome two more boys and one beautiful baby girl right upstairs in that tiny bedroom under the eaves. Life has a funny way of taking what you think you know and turning it on it's head.

 I remind myself to stay contented, to keep my eyes on Him and me, the two of us all that matters in this relationship. Do I trust Him with my heart? My life? Does He have the best plan ever...for me? For not just the future, but for today?  I believe - yes. Even here. When I'm wondering when it will be my turn, I turn right back and it's then that I remember - He's got this. My desires and my hopes, my dreams and my disappointments. He loves me and wants for me so much more than I could ever want for myself.

How can I help but content myself with that?

So I sew curtains and keep house like it's the home of my dreams because, for now, it's the home He says is best for me. A heaven-send. Just exactly right. I wonder when it's my turn and I realize - it's now. My turn to be lavishly loved and richly blessed on His terms. The only ones I'd ever want to live on.

Another bench for the beautiful kids He gave us. Another summer in this house my kids have always called home. Just what we need.

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  1. Oh my you spoke words from my heart. A house the same size and half the kids you have, I feel like we are suffocating. But this is what God has BLESSED us with and this is what I will be THANKFUL for. :)

  2. Great post! I struggle with this both in the area of contentment with my house (I love it but boy it is a lot of work right now) and in terms of vocation. God has a plan and it is worth living each moment of that plan with contentment and joy!

  3. This is beautiful! I appreciate every deep word. You are truly blessed beyond measure! Thank you for this sweet, sweet post. God bless you and your beautiful family, Lydia. Love,

  4. I don't remember how I stumbled across your blog but I wanted to let you know how much I have been enjoying it. Thank you! Oh and a larger house just means more to clean :)

  5. this is the very issue I struggle with day after day. I truly hate my house right now -- from the size and aesthetic point of view. It's never been redecorated from when we bought it because that's when the little blessings of little feet start arriving --- so it still feels like the home of the people we bought it from. 10 years later. I so often get stuck in the ruts of "if only I had a little extra money to make it my own", "if only we could get some decent shelving/organizers/cupboards to put All The Stuff in." round and round it goes. And yet, I know -- I do know deep down how so lucky, fortunate and blessed we are to have our home. I don't even want bigger necessarily -- just something I feel I have had some help in creating.
    Ugh, it's so silly to get upset over something so menial, but - there it is.

  6. I completely understand well! "Just a little money to make it my own." Yes!

  7. So many friends have told me this!

  8. I feel this way about becoming a mom. And owning our own place. Everyone around me is doing it.


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