View From The Mountaintop

It's amazing how quickly things can turn around. How quickly light can pierce through a dark time, how grace can descend in an instant, at just the right time.

Yesterday I was laying back on the table at my doctors office, warm jelly on my belly, anxiously watching the ultrasound screen. One deep breath and then - there she was. In that moment it was like a flash of light exploded the darkness of the past few months. Gratitude flooded my heart and everything changed.

At every stoplight on the drive home I'd look down at the first pictures of our newest family member clutched tightly in my hand, as if these tiny printouts were a lifeline. Each time, I couldn't stop smiling. Oh, joy. How it's eluded me for so long. How I've missed it and how incredibly healing it is.

I've learned a lot about myself in this past season. Good things but a lot of not so good things. I don't suffer well. I complain, get angry, feel hopeless. I let darkness creep in and I push people away. I hide and hurt alone. I wish I could say I made the most of that time but I know I didn't. I let selfishness get in the way of learning all the lessons I could have, but I'm not sure anyone gets it right all the time.

Seeing our tiny, two inch, unplanned child on the screen in that doctors office was eye opening. Suddenly I'm looking around and I'm seeing it - how we've been brought through, how God has not only been faithful but has blessed us beyond our wildest imaginings. My husband's new job is going well, something just a few months ago seemed an impossibility. My morning sickness is slowly but surely ebbing away, a dark memory of the first trimester I'm so glad to leave behind. Our surprise baby is healthy, beautiful, perfect. Our home is warm, we love each other, our children are growing and learning and this, this feels like a mountain top moment. A moment to look back over the dark valleys behind and know there will be more ahead, but a moment to see clearly that God is merciful and we are impossibly loved. Life will never go according to our blind planning, but thank goodness it will always, always go according to His.

I run through the rain into the house where my kids wait to see the first pictures of their newest sibling. They are all smiles and in this moment I know - I couldn't ask for more.

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