Thursday, January 22, 2015
Today I'm OK
It was like the scene out of a sitcom, and looking back it's almost like I should have seen it coming. A good day of getting housework done and school accomplished. An evening reading on the couch followed by an early bedtime. I turned to my husband as we were turning in and said "I'm not even really tired." He said the same.
A pretty perfect day followed by what we assumed would be a perfect night, then another good day, and on and on. You never expect life to come barreling in, no matter how many times it does. She knocks on our door. "Mama, I think I'm going to throw up."
The next twenty minutes saw three kids succumb and we laughed at ourselves because, right? Instead of snuggled up in bed, we were hauling laundry to the basement and cleaning bathrooms at midnight. I would come to rue the words "I'm not even really tired" long before my vigil was over. By the next morning, I was tired, I was sick, I was an emotional mess.
He brought home pizza and I hear my oldest ask - "Do you think Mom will get out of bed tomorrow?" And I feel like a failure. Like somehow not being able to keep up with the previous day's accomplishment defined my worth.
I do that sometimes. I'm a doer. When I'm on a roll, I rattle it off via texts to my husband like a list means anything at all. "Today we got school done by noon! Babies are napping, laundry is done, I'm just finishing mopping and then I thought I'd make this for dinner and then..." He affirms as best he can, but what is he really affirming? I want him to say he's proud of me, I'm amazing, I'm killing it. But what about days where I can't get out of bed? Days where my eyes are raw with tears and the best I've got is reading toddlers books in my bed because I can't bring myself to haul out of it? If I define my worth by what I do, where's the worth in that?
I'll admit, I tend to see it as a wash. Worse, as a step back. Truthfully, in a family this size, if a Mom takes a day off - it can be. Yesterday's chores don't just disappear, they pile onto today's. Still, living right now as it presents itself is not a failing. Sometimes that's just how it goes.
Sometimes I'm a pregnant, tired, emotional, sick Mama. And the only thing for that pregnant, tired, emotional, sick Mama to do? Is to let the rest go. To refuse to to attribute worth to what I do, or leave undone. To embrace what needs to happen today.
There's no failure in that. No shame.
Today, I'm not supermom. My kids are playing video games and watching movies, recovering themselves. I'm attempting to re hydrate myself, to rest up and get strong again. My baby is kicking and I know I'm just right where I should be. Today, I probably won't do laundry. My house won't be clean. Dinner is a mystery that I'm sure will sort itself out somehow.
Today has a purpose. It's never a wash. Worth is never found in what we do. That's a hard truth to remember, but imperative. There's grace for sick Mamas and dishes in the sink. There's a peace in just letting it be, just for today. There's rest in knowing that, however today goes, it will be OK.
Today I'm OK. And that is just enough.
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