My throat feels raw from calling over the din, trying to get the attention of those who clang and shout and echo off these wooden walls and floors and my ears ring loud.
In these two rooms, we clash and bump against each other, day after day and the noise is more than I can take so I try and slip away, somewhere quiet, just for a moment.
I know its all childhood and good, littles need to run and shout and sing and dance and I know its my own attitude that needs adjusting. My own dark soul that wakes each morning and groans "ugh...not again" at the simplest of requests.
The honesty of this one is an ugly admission: I've been living these past few weeks wishing them away. In sighing at each and every inconvenience, I've shown myself to be wholly selfish and entirely focused on my own comfort.
And I know the reason, although it is one I am swatting from my mind like a pesky fly. Irritation mounts as I wipe down the table for the umpteenth time, bristle annoyed at the amount of crumbs left by little people. She sits at the end of the table, carefully licking butter off bread, watching me with those blue orbs, taking it all in.
"Mama, I loooooove this bread. I want more! I want to eat it all 'til its all gone!" This last said with mouth full, more crumbs flying out of her mouth. I wince.
"Don't be ridiculous. You can't just eat bread. You need real alive food, food with vitamins. No one can live on just bread."
Ah, but there it is, isn't it? Always the key to discontent, selfishness, irritation. The reason I justify my attitude.
I haven't been eating right.
Its that slow spiral of not enough time in the day, idol-making of regular life that starts me down this path. But I know it well, I've been here before. I can't live like this. I'm not being fed right and thus, I am not thriving. I am barely surviving.
The antidote is so simple, so available, so waiting on the shelf in every room. Take a moment. Feed yourself words. And the words, they'll nourish, water and grow you in a way nothing else can.
Matthew 4:4
"Jesus said, 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
Absolutely wonderful, Lydia! Your honesty here touched my heart. Thank you :) Continuing to pray you and your family1
ReplyDeleteAmen. I am feeling like this lately as well. The winter and cold and being couped up doesn't help, but you are so right. We need to get in the Word and give God our irritability.
ReplyDeleteI Peter 5.7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you
Lydia -- I loved this post. Loved that the words had meaning to you even as you were saying them, that the words you called to mind drew you away to consider other words. Life-giving words. I resonated so deeply with this, this feeling of not eating right.
ReplyDeleteI have been visiting other bloggers from the High Calling network and going back to my blog and writing about the same thing and linking up. I linked up to this post today because it touched me so deeply. You can find the post here.
Blessings to you and your family!
Lydia, I loved this story--I, too, am haunted by crumbs (hate to tell you that my kids are a lot older than yours and they still leave a lot of crumbs behind...sigh...and we still clash and bump against each other).
ReplyDeleteBut I also need that time to pull away. I love whole wheat bread almost as much as your daughter, but I love and need and crave the other bread, the Word, so much more.
I came here from Charity Singleton's "There and Back Again," and I'm so glad she found you in TheHighCalling.org network and introduced us!
Lydia, these are the posts that I have the urge to copy and paste in my journal. They are as if they've been spoken out of my own heart but where the words fail me, you have them. You sharing real life moments that seem to only happen to me, is like a balm for my own scorched soul.
ReplyDeleteI consider you to be one of the sweetest girls in the world and to hear that you have these moments is so comforting. Mother's feel such guilt when they fall short. A mama myself of 3 under 5, I relate to the crumbs and the noise and the irritation.
You bringing us back to that which feeds our starving spirits is such a gift. Why do we put this part of our lives off as if it can wait? It can't. He says to seek Him first and then all else will be added. Too often we take it all upon ourselves and try to press on without Him. Your post is such a sweet reminder that we simply cannot do that and live.