He has blue dry erase marker striping his arms, legs, feet - where it came from, I don't know...and where it is now? Anybody's guess.
She pulls out the very bottom puzzle and the rest come tumbling down in a heap of mixed up pieces. Her eyes flicker to mine. "Oops." I stoop, squishing the bowling ball of baby in my abdomen, help her pick it all up.
Math is a battle ground of complaining (his) and sarcasm (mine). A late reminder of a Little League uniform needing cleaning, stuck at the bottom of weekend trip laundry pile buzzes like a fly of irritation. Sister pushes toddler too hard on his sit n' scoot. The back of his head smacks the wood floor, and he screams.
Its May, and still the warmth of Spring evades. I keep thinking, if I could just breathe...if I could just throw windows open and warm my face in the sun, maybe then this would feel easier somehow. The clouds lay low in the sky and we have to turn on lamps to read. Irritation gnaws at me as the littlest 2 fight over a book.
Perhaps the hardest part is knowing that I am the grown up here - that I am held up as the shining example of how to behave, how to live, how to act and re-act. I hear my son use harsh words to his sister, and I bristle with the knowledge of where he learned to talk like that...not from some kid at school, but from his very own mother. And when I see their attitude towards work, I know where they learned it - the long sighs I let out at having to clean up yet another sticky mess. I know I am their teacher, not just of Math and Spelling and Reading, but of more important lessons - how to treat others, how to work diligently, how to speak love.
Its all encompassing, this job, this life. Most days are so full, not just with the work of keeping on top of school, housework, meals, etc, but with the growth of self, watching myself in the mirrors that are my children. And it can all feel a bit hopeless...one step forward, one back. Words I'm not proud of fly. Harsh ones, words that cut and destroy. A day that I just cannot seem to get on top of. A day of failures.
A day that shows, with blinding truth, how much I truly need the Grace I've been given. And at the end of it all, when I kiss and apologize to each little one, its Grace that wipes it all away.
Tomorrow is a new day, with brilliant sunshine in the forecast, and a clean slate to begin with. Grace.
Ooops sorry I posted my blog at yours! Your words echo my thoughts as well as I love through the space here on an island, thousands of miles from you, yet in a space that is not so different. Hold tight, we are a work in progress!
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY how I've been feeling lately! Thank you for voicing it so beautifully. :)
ReplyDeleteNice writing Lydia, I am extremely thankful that God gives us so many second chances. God's grace is amazing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post today. It's exactly how I feel with my little ones.
ReplyDeleteLydia,
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most honest blogs I've read in a long, long time. Thank you for sharing it.
You are absolutely not alone. Thanks for not being a perfect blogger mom and showing the ugly side sometimes. We all need to know that it is not just us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I sooo needed to know I am not the only one. Thank you. As tears roll down my face. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your sweet words. I just sat down and wrote this, clicked "post," without really editing a thing. I hoped it wasn't too negative, just felt like there was so much inside me that was off and wrong today. Thankful the sun is now out and there is the chance to switch gears and try, try again.
ReplyDeleteDitto. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteFunny how when dealing with a tempermental 4 year old....pretty soon you find yourself acting like a 4 year old! LOL
ReplyDeleteI've discovered that the hardest part of motherhood, was not days like this (of which if we are all honest, there are more than a few), but people's response to ME during such a day. If I talk about it, I am accused of being negative. But it's not negative - it's honesty. It my LIFE. And in sharing it, reaching out uncensored, in all it's shameful, soul-wrenching, self-loathing, imperfection: you are offering others something wonderful - HOPE.
I don't see it as failing...it's all learning. I think as long as we are mothers: the lesson will never end. And if I want to dance under the rainbow - I am gonna have to put up with a little rain.
Rory - thank you for such great perspective! It is true that airing frustrations and being frank and honest about imperfections can appear negative. I believe that is why it is so vitally important to surround yourself with people you trust to listen, love, and speak truth into your life. I am blessed with a best friend who I can vent to...and who never judges or holds it against me, just lets me get it all out. I've also been blessed to make many "online" friends with similar gifts of encouragement and grace.
ReplyDeleteWe're all struggling, many in similar ways. A little hope is what we all need!
Did I write this in my sleep? Lol.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling all too well. I was actually thinking about writing a post about it. :)
I'm your newest follower, thanks to a sweet friend who referred you to me. Thank you for being transparent. ((hugs)) for you. I definitely feel your pain. May you find encouragement tonight.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Suzanne!! Thanks for coming by and for the follow! Its a blessing to have you here :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm there more days than I'd like. God's everlasting grace is what gets me through and keeps me from feeling like an epic failure all the time. This mommy stuff is hard and invisible.
ReplyDelete