Thursday, June 2, 2011

On Confidence

Yesterday afternoon, my two year old ran away from me.

Down two blocks from our house, and once I hollered at him to stop, he ran faster.

9 months pregnant with a very engaged baby, I couldn't catch up.

It was terrifying.

One of my biggest concerns lately has been keeping Jonah safe this summer.  Our yard is partially, but not completely fenced.  My older kids go in and out the back door all day long, making it entirely too possible for Jonah to slip out and run as fast as his little legs will take him (which is pretty fast!).  I know that, now being hugely pregnant and later, post partum, keeping tabs on my willful little 2 year old is going to be a huge challenge.

And yesterday, all of those fears stared me down as I hobbled as quickly as I could after my toddler.  Thank goodness for my 6 year old who, lightning fast, sprinted down two blocks ahead of me, grabbed her screaming brother and sat down, holding him tight until I got there.  I was shaking when I got to them, scooped him up and told him "Don't you EVER EVER EVER do that again!  NO!  You don't run away from Mama!"

I know it may appear to others sometimes that I have total and complete confidence in myself, even as we wait on this little fifth one to be born.  After yesterday, I feel compelled to say: its not true.

I'm terrified.

In the beginning of this pregnancy, I was terrified.  How?  How could I handle this?  How could this be what is right for us? I doubted, not only my ability to pull it off, but God for giving me this task.

This life of ours can be anything but logical.  Certainly having a fifth baby hardly ever makes sense to anyone, even me at times!  I know that, in order not to appear completely nuts, I've been guilty of overselling this - for hoping to look confident and self assured.

Any confidence I have is not in myself -- its in Him.

I am confident that He sees us, He knows us, and He gives to us what we should have, when we should have it.  I'm confident that, even as I tightly held that runaway toddler and doubts flooded my mind as to my ability to keep him safe, He knows what is right and best for us - and He gave us both wayward child and newborn blessing. 

I know that what He has for me is better and bigger and brighter than what I have for myself.  I have confidence that what He has established and given and blessed is good.

Even if that sees me helplessly huffing down the street after a speedy set of toddler legs.

"For the LORD will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught."
Proverbs 3:26 (NKJV)

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  1. Just remember Lydia, the Lord is also there keeping your children safe. Whether that means providing you with a fast 6 year old or super mama speed, God is blessing you! He brought this 5th baby into being and trusts in you and J's ability to care for him and bring him up. It can be so hard sometimes, but, through broken bones, stitches, and even electrocution, it is only faith and trust in the Lord that brought my children through safely. Will be praying for you daily from here on out. Praying for a safe, happy birth and a smooth, confident transition. And, that your willful toddler will stick close by, at least for a while ;-)

  2. Lyd this made me cry. Granted im having a crying day...but while I only have my two to worry about as of now I can relate to the fear and lack of confidence. :hugs: and prayers to you my friend!

  3. I only have one. He's two. But I'm terrified too. I want to put fences around the sidewalks!

    Can't imagine being pregnant and chasing after a little one on the loose. Thank you, Jesus, for lightening fast older sisters.

    I've been working on teaching my son to stop and go at my command. "Red light: Stop!" etc. Praying it helps.

  4. Thanks so much, Lydia. While I'm not looking for baby #5, we were suprised when God gave us #4 who arrived only 16 months after his sister and about 12 months after a vasectomy! :) I'm copying that scripture and will keep it nearby over the next few months as we prepare to begin homeschooling the whole bunch (almost 10, 6, 3 and 2) for the first time next August. Confidence is a positively fleeting state here too.

  5. Funny thing about this is that I only have one 3 year old, who did this very same thing, only with his Grandma-- though he has got away from me before here and there. The fear to even juggle 2 is sometimes more than my brain can comprehend. Thanks for the reminder that we are all human -- with fear and insecurity. But thanks to our Almighty Father who is those things for us!

  6. I always feel an amazing sense of relief when I admit to myself or anyone that I don't always know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm not as assured about things as I "pretend". For me, my "pretending" is really not faking it but a way of coping by putting on a positive front so I don't get bogged down by things that would otherwise get me stressed out or upset. It usually works. But man it feels good to let it all out. Because when you do that it is exactly when you remind yourself you're not alone. You're an amazing mom Lydia and you're right about it all. Sometimes we may not know if what we're doing is right and we may be scared but God is with us always and I always feel He has a plan even if we don't see it yet or never do.

  7. This is so wonderfully encouraging to me. I know I only have 3, with the hopes of more, but there are moments when I think "how in the world can I handle more"...and I have to remind myself that it isn't in my own strength I do anything and to rely on Him instead.

  8. Lydia,
    I have been there! 9 months pregnant I took all 4 of my little ones to the grocery store...I don't know what I was thinking! I guess I wanted to feel like I was confident, that I wasn't crazy for having a 5th baby. Then my 3 year old ran away from me while we were checking out. He took off, out the door and into the parking lot. My 6 year old was chasing after him, the store clerks were running after him, I had to leave my little ones in the shopping cart and run, baby belly and all...I praise God that a man saw him running towards traffic and caught him for me. I was shaking. I was terrified...and then I had to walk back in that store and face everyone who but of thought I was out of my mind for having another baby. I tried to hold my head high...but when we got to the car, I just sobbed. I know exactly what you were feeling...and I can tell you, without a doubt, that my only confidence comes from God. He will hold you through these times. (HUGS) Crystal

  9. I feel like we're supposed to have another one. Number Five. My husband is not so convinced. We're still discussing, not fighting, just discussing. That's where my difficulty lies, in trying to sell the idea to him, I have to come across more confident in it than I am. And then I worry that if we have #5 I won't be able to show when I'm overwhelmed or frustrated, because I have asked for it. My husband is not a monster, he's a loving, wonderful, overwhelmed father of four small children. I get all of his worries and fears about having another baby...I just feel like God has told us to do it.

  10. Hugs, momma. Will you all be putting up more fencing to make life easier? An option could be garden fencing with T-posts. At least temporarily.


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