Friday, January 25, 2013

My Place

Yesterday was hard.  The cabin fever of the last few weeks seemed to reach a fever pitch at the precise time that 3rd trimester pregnancy exhaustion and hormone surge knocked me over the head.  The result was not pretty - not pretty at all.

I laid upstairs in bed in a self-prescribed "time out," thinking it over and over - "I'm exhausted.  I'm irritable.  I'm out of control."  The trouble is, with a house full of little ones and bigger ones to school, no less, a recharge is nowhere in sight.  I decided to take action.

Today I leaned heavily on the good will and charity of my sweet sister in law and took off in a snowstorm to get some much needed errands done. Namely, my license was lost/stolen an embarrassingly long time ago and I finally got around to getting a new one.

Sitting in the Secretary of State office alone, I tried to enjoy it.  This is peace - I got out of the house, I was without a clanging brood of little people.  No one was asking anything of me and even the babe I carry with me was blessedly still, as if knowing Mama needed just this time to breathe.  I wasn't prepared for how odd it felt and, oddly, how miserable I was.  I felt as if I had been amputated.  I'm not used to so much quiet, so much stillness.  So little laughter (and screaming and talking and tattling and...).  I'm not used to being just me, as opposed to the heart and soul, the center of a noisy, raucous, life-filled clan.

I was gone a whopping 35 minutes, and goodness if I didn't feel like myself again when I stepped back into my warm kitchen, with children and clutter and noise galore.  I'm hopeless, really - I can't even get away to recharge because that no longer recharges me.

As tired and cranky and yes, cabin fevered as I am - there isn't a place on earth that I'd rather be than in this little house surrounded by all these people, all their needs and wants and expectations and demands.  Somewhere along the past ten years, who I am has become seamlessly melded with what I do.

On the drive home, this verse came to mind:

James 1:2-4

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

These long winter days seem full of trials, but I can see it now - this is my place, and it's joy, too.

{Psst - are you struggling these days, too?  Maybe it would help to know someone is carrying the load...}

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  1. I love your honesty here. I am cheering you on, and admire your work as a mother, and a disciple of Christ. Press on, sister!

  2. I have been in the same boat for the last 2 weeks dealing with sickness. I too, had to get my license renewed and though only gone for a bit, I felt so blessed to be able to make the choice to stay home and take care of my babies when they needed me. While I feel some days my kids are there to destroy me... I wouldn't have it any other way!

  3. Great post! I always say that mothers don't need escape, they need encouragement! I have been buffeted about by illness for awhile now, and people keep offering to take my children, or saying, now that I am better, that I should do something 'for me'. Please, take my laundry, not my kids! I don't want to do anything that doesn't involve my favourite tiny people!

  4. Wonderful bible verse. Yes, home is perfect. And yes, trials produce the patience. And wow, isn't this life amazing???? Prayers Lydia!!!

  5. I feel the same way when I get out alone, I think it will be just what I need, but then I feel kinda lost.

  6. I need people to recharge for sure! We were sick the first two weeks of the year and it was hard! I seriously thought I was getting depressed. I love being in the middle of the crazy, but I also need grown ups :-)

  7. My babies are starting to leave home, mamas. The last couple of years have been so so bittersweet. I enjoy them so much, through the darkness and the light. Three are only home at holidays at four more at home, the youngest is six now.

    While we have so many more years with children, it is so different now with no babies. So encouraging to hear so many mamas loving them up, and living these years to the fullest. There is just nothing like a houseful of little ones. Beautiful blog, Lydia. PM

    1. Thank you for coming by! My mom had a large family (7 children) and now just has my 2 teen sisters at home. While the normal days are quite different, her holidays are still filled with babies and children as we all make our way back. A full life, just in a different way! Blessings, PM!

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