Monday, January 20, 2014

Tender {Mindful Mothering Mondays}

It's day four of weaning my toddler and he still asks, the very first thing this morning.

"Nurse, Mama? Nurse?" He's yanking on my pajama pants when I stand, bleary eyed, in the kitchen, waiting for the coffee.

So I offer him snacks.  I offer him treats.  I offer him everything I've got in those kitchen cupboards and, finally, my arms when his eyes fill with tears.  Oh honey.  I'm so sorry.

It's been two and a half years.  I pour my coffee and consider - well maybe just one more time.  He's still little.  Maybe just this once.  When facing down his sweet, confused, heartbroken little face, my resolve turns to mush.

The truth is, I'm ready to be done.  When we came back to school after Winter break, I knew it was time.  Breastfeeding is recommended by the WHO for at least 2 years and then as long as both parties are agreeable to it.  I'm ready to be done.  That doesn't make this any easier, or my heart any less raw when I look into his tear filled eyes and see the betrayal there.

Breastfeeding my babies has been the ultimate privilege in my life.  The sweetest moments I've experienced.  The most love I have ever felt has been looking down on these faces while they are cuddled up, close.  And in my mind, I can see them all there - a brand new baby for the first time.  A chubby baby, fat in the sunshine.  Or, toward the end, a toddler patting my face.  Each time one weans, it's a severing of sorts.  A loss. And oh, but it hurts.

It's time and I'm ready and we're doing the best we can.  But this wound, for both of us, is a tender one.  One of the invisible losses of motherhood that changes me.

He finally settles on juice, a special treat for a weaning toddler, and settles into my lap.  I inhale him - different, somehow.  More little boy than baby.  More than I could ever imagine loving another person.  My arms are wrapped around him, and this grief is still fresh. He leans back against me, reaches up one dimpled toddler hand and tenderly pats my cheek.  Oh, love.


{It's Mindful Mothering Mondays, a day to take a deep breath and write out your mothering journey, whatever form it takes.  A day to link up for encouragement from others who are in this same phase of life.  A day of writing out the trials and triumphs and what you're learning right where you are, right now. 

You might post recent struggles or thoughts.  Maybe just a picture or a quote.  Or maybe you'll just come here and read the links that others post.  Whatever form your participation takes, this is a day for you.
We are all in this, together.  Together, we can encourage and build one another up, be honest with our shortcomings and strengthened by community to keep fighting the good fight.

I chose Mondays because what Mama doesn't need a little encouragement on a Monday? As such, I'll have the link up ready to go on Sunday night for you to begin submitting your links.

I hope you'll meet with me each Monday!  Here's what to do ~

Link up your post below.  Remember to put the link to the exact post you want to link, and not just your blog url. Include in your post a link back here so others who want to join in can find us!  And visit some other Mamas who have linked up.

Post the community graphic within your post, so people who are reading your Mindful Mothering post can come back here and find the rest of us!

Invite the writers of your favorite blogs to join in!

Share this meme with others on facebook and twitter.  This community is for all moms, and the more that participate, the more we will be able to enjoy!!}

Grab the graphic here:


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  1. Such a beautiful thing. This made my heart ache this morning.

  2. So very hard. I have yet to cross this path, still nursing, but I have a feeling it will be soon. I am not worried about the little man so much, I think I might take it a little harden than he. Hugs to you, hang in there.

  3. Brought me back, brought tears to my eyes. Nursing changes both of us, mama and child, doesn't it? With this pregnancy I have been amazed by the way my body feels aching to nurse again - I never would have dreamed that would be the case when I was first learning how to nurse and it was so hard! But we're built to do it. And then we're built to let go. What a beautiful gift you've given your boy. Good changes always come from the hard transitions, too.

  4. I remember this joy and this sorrow - how I miss babies! Mine are big and knobby and wiry now. Sweet, sweet Peter, what a lambkin.

  5. Transitions are hard. Whether it is the transition away from nursing or the transitions that come along with preteen/adolescence (which are the ones I'm most recently experiencing) I think that they are difficult for all involved. I am sending up prayers for strength and peace for you and your little one. I'm also sending big hugs.

  6. Oh... Tears in my eyes. Nursing a 15 month old right now and dreading the day it ends. Hugs to you today.


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