We drove home in a thunderstorm. I was in the back seat, smashed between 2 carseats, holding pacifiers in the mouths of 2 fussy little girls. My best friend was up front, clinging to the wheel with both hands and squinting through the downpour. At times, we couldn't see anything and it seemed we might hydroplane right off the road. And then, bit by bit, it stopped. The babies calmed and the night sky stretching above was quiet and clear.
We had spent the ride talking about it all - homeschool plans, parenting, friendship, relationships with extended family. We confided and I told the truth: "I don't know what I'm doing. I hope my kids understand that, someday - and be ok with the fact that I wasn't a perfect mom." So much of parenting seems like navigating a storm, and I can feel right blind while behind the wheel of this family. There are so many things that I want to do right but so many questions as to how that looks.
By the time we had left our weekend getaway, the one with 6 friends and 5 babies, we had changed about 100 diapers. Did dishes every day. Laundry, too. We vacuumed and picked up and put away, rocked and nursed little babies and got up in the middle of the night with newborns. A few times we joked about how this job just seems to follow us - something we can't shake, no matter where we go, and how funny it is that this still felt like a break, despite it all. Because when you put on the mantel of motherhood, you never take it off. Not when your children leave home. Not when they try to push you away. And not when you go off for a weekend and try to leave it all behind.
When you take on the task of loving and raising another person, when you put your life and interests in a secondary place - the impact is life long. Inescapable. I know no matter how old my kids get, they will be on my mind, in my heart and first in my prayers forever. No amount of distance or space can remove that brand on my soul that first seared me when I felt my oldest kick in the womb for the very first time. And I've been transformed. Not into the perfect mom. Not into someone who knows the answers to all of the questions. No, transformed into someone who is willing to risk it all and continue to work and reach and try to do right by them all of the days of my life.
A Mama always. Not just when I'm home or when they need me, but even when I'm not and they don't.
We pull in the driveway and I hug my best friend - my co-worker in this job, and I head inside and straight up to the boys' bedroom. I scoop Peter right out of the crib and he's just half awake when he sighs it - "Mama." And just like that, I'm home.
{It's Mindful Mothering Mondays, a day to take a deep breath and write out your mothering journey, whatever form it takes. A day to link up for encouragement from others who are in this same phase of life. A day of writing out the trials and triumphs and what you're learning right where you are, right now.
You might post recent struggles or thoughts. Maybe just a picture or a quote. Or maybe you'll just come here and read the links that others post. Whatever form your participation takes, this is a day for you.
We are all in this, together. Together, we can encourage and build one another up, be honest with our shortcomings and strengthened by community to keep fighting the good fight.
I chose Mondays because what Mama doesn't need a little encouragement on a Monday? As such, I'll have the link up ready to go on Sunday night for you to begin submitting your links.
I hope you'll meet with me each Monday! Here's what to do ~
Link up your post below. Remember to put the link to the exact post you want to link, and not just your blog url. Include in your post a link back here so others who want to join in can find us! And visit some other Mamas who have linked up.
Post the community graphic within your post, so people who are reading your Mindful Mothering post can come back here and find the rest of us!
Invite the writers of your favorite blogs to join in!
Share this meme with others on facebook and twitter. This community is for all moms, and the more that participate, the more we will be able to enjoy!!}
Grab the graphic here:
Simply beautiful and oh so true. Hope you had a lovely weekend away.
ReplyDeleteOh, how I love to hear those words, "Mama"...
ReplyDeletesounds lovely. i've got to plan one of these!!
ReplyDelete